On Turning Forty
I'm turning forty, soon. And, as with other milestones in life, I feel the need to write about it. How do I feel? Well, I don't feel forty, that's the first thing. I feel good. Great, in fact. So, the number doesn't bother me. What does, is the decade that will surely follow. With every other decade I've had a distinct set of goals, things I felt I needed to accomplish in order to move on to the next phase of my life. Not so with my forties. So that leaves me feeling . . . uncertain. I've never not had something to go after. And that makes me something I'm not entirely familiar with: comfortable.
(...)
Now what? If I were able to make a wish and to not be the introspective freak that I am, I'd wish to remain on this path I've made for myself. I'd like my marriage to remain intact, maybe even breathe some life back into it. I'd like my children to continue to grow and amaze me with their fresh-faced enthusiasm. I'd like to continue juggling my friendships as best I can, considering that we all have young children who throw up on our black shirts just as we're trying to get out the door to meet each other. I'd really like to have the privilege of watching my mother grow older gracefully for many more years to come. These are goals, I suppose. But "maintenance" isn't something I can wrap my spirited, ambitious self around for the next ten years.
By this point in life, I know myself pretty well. I've come to accept that if I wasn't a size six at twenty, I can't expect to be a size six now. I know that if too many people are near me when I try to put on makeup, I start to sweat. I know what I can let go of and what I need to work out so that I don't feel anxious. And, I'm telling you, I need something that I can strive for during the next decade.
(...)
Even though I'd be moving in the same direction I'd been going all along, it would be with a new focus.
In my forties, I'm going to pay attention to something I'd almost lost track of: myself. I'll be moving forward, not only as someone's wife or mother, sister or daughter, or friend, but as the woman I've become somewhere along the way. In this decade, I intend to slow down and think and appreciate and learn. And even if I have no great new accomplishment to show for the next ten years, I know the process will be exhilarating.
—Julie Clark Robinson
